Coping with ‘Different’ People

Coping with ‘Different’ People

Have you ever come across a person whose lifestyle does not agree with yours? Whose ways of talking and behaving are a far cry from your own? A person whose very sight or presence repulses you?

How did you or do you respond to such a person? It is an important question, one we seldom ask? It requires us to go within ourselves, to confront our attitudes, to become aware of our prejudices and the trigger which causes us to behave in a particular way. It is difficult. I know. I have tried it.

Most of the time, when I meet a person whose lifestyle and behaviour is radically different from my own, I generally keep a distance. I observe the person for a while (an opportunity to break or correct the prejudices I had about him/her). If the person turns out to be different from what I had judged him/her to be, then I would gradually approach the person and build a relationship from there. On the other hand, if it turned out to be otherwise, I would cold-shoulder the person. I am not in any way going to justify my behaviour. I am merely stating it as it happens or as ‘I make’ it happen. I am sure that each one of you will also have a particular way of responding in such situations. Pause here for a moment and reflect on the situation so that, you may identify your reactions.

Well done!! Now let us examine and try to find our better ways of dealing and responding to such situations. The first thing we have got to keep in mind is that we are social beings and that we are dealing with other ‘people’ and not just some ‘things’. Each person is unique and we have got to learn to respect that. Each person comes from a particular background, situation, lifestyle and upbringing, and these (in a big or small way) determine the kind of person he/she is or will be. Each person has his/her own likes and dislikes, and these may not always overlap with my own. It is a matter-of-fact that, we like to associate with those who have similar tastes to our own. As it is said, “Birds of a feather flock together.” This should not in any way interfere in our dealing with other people. Just because someone is different from me, that does not make him/her any less a human person. We need to respect diversity. This requires and attitude of openness on our part.

It is easy to cold-shoulder or avoid another person, especially when your living/studying/working in a pluralistic context. Confronting a person is difficult. It exposes a hurt part of ourselves, one that we would rather not show. Confrontation does not imply a physical or verbal confrontation, this would only complicate matters further and might eventually, even lead to a break in the relationship. The best way (according to me) but also a very difficult one, is the road of kindness. Confronting the other person with kindness. 

There is an incident that occurred involving Archbishop Tutu. Once, while he was walking on a pavement where repairs were being carried out. Only one person could walk at a time. A white man was walking from the opposite direction and on seeing the good bishop, gruffly said, “Out of my way! I do not give way to monkeys.” To this insult the Archbishop calmly stepped aside and said, “But I do.” 

If we are able to just be kind to the person, even at the cost of hurting myself emotionally or otherwise in the bargain, then, I would think, we would be taking a big step in setting the relationship on the right track. It is a difficult step no doubt, one that takes a lot of courage, fortitude and patience. 

A Jewish nurse was in labour at a Nazi camp. Upon giving birth, a female Nazi took her child and held it under a running trap, killing it. A few years later, when the persecution ended. This same Nazi woman was giving birth to a child and the nurse at her side happened to be the same Jewish nurse whose child she had killed. When the Jewish nurse was asked by some of her Jewish friends about this incident, she said with tears in her eyes, “When I saw her child, I forgave her for what she had done to me and my baby. I could not bring myself to harm the child. If I did, how would I be any different from her?

This is not a fool proof way of going about. It is a way that has been tried and tested, and found to be efficacious. It does not ensure 100% results but it does ensure a personal sense of knowing that the right thing has been done. It is worth trying. The dividends are good. Trust me. I have tried it.